Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Death. a long-winded rant.

CAUTION: LONG WINDED RANT AHEAD THAT MAY MAKE NO SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME!

I have been faced with the mortality of humans quite a lot, expecially here lately.
I have had classmates pass on before it was truly their time, comforted friends as they mourned their loved ones, been heartbroken at the shock of an unexpected death, and here lately I have sat bedside as life slips from someones eyes.

It is all difficult. Each in it's own ways, but somehow the rest of us go on. Not quite the same, a little stronger, a little more worn, but we do go on. Because simply- we must.

When I was little everytime my family went out of town and then returned I expected that everything would be completely different. The neon signs would be brighter, our sleepy town more high-tech and fast-paced. . And I came home every. single. time. to realize it was still the same sleepy town that i had left days prior. I expected everything to catch up to my fast paced mind from all the exciting (mostly) things i experienced on my trip. That because I changed, it too would be forced to change. It was at this young age I came to realize that whether I am there or not- Life will go on, as it always has. And It is a grim thing to realize of course but i think it is as important as anything.

Later down the road when I started to become distinctly aware of tragity I often believed that when I was going through something, the world would stop on a dime. Just for me. This of course is extremely naive, and more obviously did not happen. But once again it provided me the lesson that Life does not stop. For anyone.

These both are slightly depressing to really think about, but to me I also find it comforting. That no matter how hectic/crazy/depressing my personal life gets, the world at large will still be spinning just the same. Something will still be normal. Something will not be affected.

I am getting off topic of what I really wanted this post to be about. I have that habit. Bear with me.

So just to jump right into what I really want to say-

I believe death is a beautiful thing.

I sat in a hospital for 2 weeks with Beau, his family, and more importantly- his mother. She was extremely ill and the doctors told us to prepare ourselves to bury her. She has had a rough life, it appears a different illness plauges her every month. But still she troops on, strong as ever. I have witnessed how much pain she is in at times- mentally and physically- and the entire family was at the point where they didn't want her to suffer anymore. She was in a bad state and in so much pain it would bring me to tears to even see it. She was about to die. She didn't I would like to point out, that woman is stubborn. But at the time we all put our own feelings aside to see that death would bring her freedom. Freedom from pain, from suffering, and from the turmoil she is in during this lifetime. We are all selfish and completely thrilled she pulled through, but if it was her time to go we would have understood- and in a way been grateful. Not because we dont love her, but because we love her so much we dont want her to suffer anymore.

Death is a freedom, a sort of a celebration. Freedom from this life and all it brings.
-Celebrating for that fact and the fact that that person is now with all their loved ones that have passed on before them. Be that spouse, parents, friends, family.

But Death is a battle for the people left after. Selfishly wanting them here, while rejoicing that they are free from pain. It is an inner war that brings so many distress in times that are already hectic enough.

Now my family and myself are facing this battle once more. My grandfather is sick, as I have previously posted. He isn't getting better, and he is for all intensive purpouses living off of a machine. You can see in his eyes he is miserable, and we all know this isn't the life he wants to lead. So we have decided, as hard as it is, to pull the machine. It is his wishes, but all the same it is extremely painful for us. I am trying to remember in this time what I have already said. He will not suffer anymore, and he will be reunited with everyone he loves. He is the last of his biological family here on earth, and I know he misses them all dearly. And I know that tomorrow, if it is his time to go, they will all be waiting for him with open arms, and a loving smile.

But for all of us here, it is still a time of loss. It creates an extreme sense of conflict in ourselves.

But above all I do believe that death is a beautiful thing. When your number is up and God calls you home, i feel it is a wonderful celebration. I am trying my hardest to remember that in the days that follow.

Struggling with Love and Loss,
Nikki.